If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.