Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

me as a parent

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount