Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
You Might Also Like
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.