Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

🤯🤯🤯

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

There’s only one good girl here!

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you