Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!