Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right