Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦