Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

haha same

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”