Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

when revenge coincides with naptime

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”