Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
