Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
