Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
