Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
You Might Also Like
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.