Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Aight bet
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
That eye roll….
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
#parenting
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms