Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead