Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Received some very disappointing news today
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Practicing safe sax
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.