Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Try and stop me.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries