neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
You Might Also Like
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Coffee for people with no kids
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.