Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Buck naked

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

I think I’m gonna be sick

My love language is deader than Latin

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.