Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats