Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.