Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.