*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot