*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
could’ve been anyone
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
