*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”