[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
That’s easy for you to say
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Brother?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work