[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Anime is real
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake