Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

What’s the point buying it then?

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

it must be school picture day

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.