Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
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I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.