Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

And bowling should be called pinball

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.