Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

This kid is going places

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!