Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

Boom, boom, ching!

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

incredible book dedication

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

😂

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”