Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

ibopfufen

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine