Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this