Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
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Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.