Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.