Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please don’t argue with me because the only difference between me & a psych ward patient is i’m at home

Very good news from my accountant

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work