Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this