Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

notice

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.