NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
You Might Also Like
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Put the is in disheveled
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?