Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake