Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.