Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork