Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
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Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
