Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

scrabbled eggs

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.