Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

i can’t work under these festive conditions

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it