Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.