Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

2022 will be better than 2021

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

la cocaina