Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

Pleading insanity in small claims court

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue