NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
