NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
you can only post this today
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*