NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive




older coworker: you don’t get any cake


Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’


Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now


I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.


[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT


“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>



[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?


*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*


The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.