Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.