Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tragic love story in two pictures.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Real bees work best

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.