Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in