Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast