Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point