Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.