Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

What is going on? 😅

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to