Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

my name if I was in the mob

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter