Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.