Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit