Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Suuuuure
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Oh my god
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
concern
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.