Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🥲

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Same pineapple, same

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.