Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.![]()
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I feel it
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me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden