Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

I would like even faster food.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.