Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
*updates tinder bio*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look