Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

just make the entire table out of coaster

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

incredible text to wake up to

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ