Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.