Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?