Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

Breaking news:

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.