Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

a badder mouse

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Happens to everyone.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Note to self: I am a note