Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.