Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore