Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.