Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Spider-cat: No One Home

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”