Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.