He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something