Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.