Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I think about this cartoon a lot.