Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.